I’m an enigma -Day 1

I MEAN WITH THE PAST i’ve got you’d think that this for me would be a piece of cake. yeah, I did too. and guess what ?  I was wrong. There is no way this is somehow not new for me. It’s all so good, it’s all so perfect, it feels so right it scares me; and I’ve never had that, a normal relationship, i’ve never been with someone that is just normal, and it scares the crap out of me. It’s all new. And its all confusing, and while my heart says live the moment and let it all flow my mind knows how fucked up’s my karma, my mind knows what i deserve, i deserve worse than him, and it just won’t let me think it’s my time to be happy, it makes me feel it’s my time to get really fucked over…again.
What happens when u’ve done so much wrong? will it ever be your time to have it all, all so well planned and all so well lived? Will karma ever rest and let you just have what you dont deserve? cuz i completely feel like I wont have it, that good relationships, and that is wrong. I know i do deserve to be happy, i know i do deserve to be loved, and that he deserves that I show him the parts of me only those rough diamonds around me have gotten to know, the real me. He deserves my whole heart, not just half of it as I’ve been giving him. He should have it all. To tame it, break it, mold it, play with it. But… what if he’s a devil playing angel? What if wild hearts really can’t be tamed? My mind’s constantly a mess, so I try not to overthink the obvious. Half of my heart knows I can’t keep loving him with half of my heart. But there he is, my boyfriend, and here I am, his girlfriend. Two broken souls who’ve damaged a lot of hearts, who’ve had a lot of past…together, trying to have something pure, honest, and good. I wish us the best of luck, because I think we’ll need it.

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