Relationships and the past

I may be crazy for writing this, for thinking this, for feeling this. But this is a craziness I embrace. There’s no way I’ll ever be okay with it, no matter how many days, months, or even years have passed, those moments will always be stuck in my memory for ever.

Let’s first of all remember I am a teen, one that’s rambling right now. And as every sunrise brings with it a new illusion of hope, of new beginning, of new found happiness, every (normal) starting relationship offers some sort of “starter’s illusion”. Not mine. Mine was like a pile of glass shattering and being stuck deep into my skin, piece by piece, by some heavy hand that made me cry harder and louder every other time. That’s sort of what if felt (not). I was -for the first time- witness of how fond two people were of each other, of how lovely they each though the other were, of how much hey randomly told each other “I love you” (in their first month of knowing each other), while her boyfriend and I (the girlfriend) just awkwardly starred. How is that for the illusion of perfection?

Now, I know. What kind f bimbo stays with a guy like that? What kind of girl puts up with that? What value do I give myself? Well, we were not dating yet. We were getting to know each other, and it honestly mattered to me as much as the sole on my left shoe does (BACK THEN, WHEN I HAD NO FEELINGS AT ALL FOR HIM). And on the first day of our relationship I asked him to stop, or I’d leave him. To her surprise and new found anger for me, He did.

Nevertheless it’s like a spine has been placed inside me. A small spine that hurts momentarily, when the part of my brain that remembers that moves, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. Because they are past, yes, but like the disappointing words your father told you when you were thirteen, they still hurt. It also angers me to an extent that someone was actually capable of doing that, with a girl I pretty much did not like nor disliked until that happened. And I, for my own reasons “rolled with it”, lived with it, lived past it. Or so I like to think.

Even know I know I may be wrong, it still angers me that he used to talk to her in that manner (for the lack of use of the word “flirt”), take pictures, and make random videos of her. It makes me think the only reason they did not end up together was because her boyfriend was the only friend he had when he got to the country. But he liked her personality, he claimed. Well, good for you, I sarcastically said. Like I’m some fool who would just blindly believe anything a guy says.

It just bothers me, a lot, a lot, a lot. And I know that after over a year of relationship I shouldn’t be bothered by it, I shouldn’t be moved in any sort of way. But I am, and I admit it. I hate it, but it’s there. Every time I hear her name or see her face. And I can’t help it.

I would honestly be so much happier if I could just forgive and forget~

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