I haven’t really been writing much. The pink notepad that I carry around and use to capture the essence of my ambiguous mind has been unused for the last couple of weeks… perhaps even months. I don’t really know why this is happening, but it is kind of upsetting in a way. I have never considered myself an actual writer, because I have never been published, but I truly feel the best when I pour my mind and heart out into words. It’s sort of like sharing my broken mind with the world. Getting things out of my system. It’s what keeps me on the ground.
Perhaps the reason for this “writer’s block” is the fact that my life has been pretty much the same for the last year. No change, no edge, it’s just a plain, simple life. Something I had never had before. I guess that should mean I should be inspired to write about this insipid way of life, but I’m not that type of girl. I normally am able to write the best when my life has simultaneous affairs with both happiness and sadness. Maybe it’s because my emotions are almost palpable, they’re at their best when I’m in the midst of chaos.
Another reason I have considered is the fact that I have fallen in love. I know this sounds pretty strange, but I was not able to write whenever I felt the slightly “in love” feeling, simply because it became troubling and confusing to try to explain what I was feeling. I honestly believe there is no way of describing love, or maybe I just am not such an experienced writer as to capture love in all its greatness. I was unable to write something decent for a while during this relationship too, nevertheless, I forced myself to write and even switched from Blogspot to WordPress in order to take my writing more seriously. Because, seriously, what kind of “writer” would I be if I could only write when I fell out of love?
I don’t know. It has just become sort of hard to write something that makes any sort of sense. My mind starts wandering and my thoughts become stones in my mind that refuse to be lifted up and turned into words. Maybe it’s because for the first time ever I have found myself in a Long Distance Relationship, (I never thought it’d be this hard) and with someone I used to spend every day with. That change is probably was has me like this.
To avoid making this post any longer, It sucks. I keep writing drafts I never publish and stanzas I never finish. I keep finding myself thinking about possible posts, but being unable to type them. I find myself longing the day when this goes away. Maybe the only way to make it go away is to work through it, to push myself to write again, at my worst. Looks like I have some very bad posts to write.