What am I supposed to blog about now? What am i supposed to even write and compose poetry about?
I mean, I just got out of a relationship. The norm would be for me to write about heartache, about pain, about suffering and about how I cry myself to sleep at night every single night, and question my decision and my future without him. Well, I won’t, because I dont do any of those things. At all. Besides, I dont feel heartbroken anymore. I realized I felt more heartbroken before I left him, while I was going through everything he put me through for the last week, and my soul, heart, spirit, and mind where all shattered.
Nevertheless, for the time I was with him I completely lost myself. All my beliefs changed, all my friends were suddenly not even good enough to be kept around, and my life centered about our relationship. I had NO social life a t a l l. I stopped writing, I stopped reading, I stopped drawing, three of the things like I like to do the most. What I did do a lot, even though I drank less, was do drugs. I could “thank” (sarcastic) him for my first time poppin’ pills. This is something that maybe could be the topics for my next couple of posts. Finding myself all over again. Because I was a completely different person before I met him. Even though I changed some very good aspects about myself like respecting both relationships and myself more. I am also more aware of how i want people to perceive me. I stopped drinking as much, because I used to drink like, way more than I should with my friends. I dont feel like drinking anymore, or like doing drugs anymore. I used to smoke a lot of weed. Oh, and last but not least, I learned that I dont wanna have any friends just because, I want friends that are actually good quality friends and are worth it. If I cant find any, I prefer being alone.
Even though the list of things that changed about me is quite big and significant I feel the negative change could have a bigger impact on me. I lost myself, completely. I was all his, in every sense of the way. Yes, I had my own mind, my own opinion, my own feelings and thoughts. And no, I wasn’t always agreeing to what he said and it was not like we never fought. But he manipulated me into everything he wanted me to do and say. I would end up apologizing for something he had done in the first place. I would start arguing with him for my right to have friends, to have a social life, to live my life like a 19 year old and not like an old lady, and would end up apologizing for even thinking about it. This are only a few of the examples. It was messed up.
I feel this attitude I took with him, something that was so slow and gradual that I found out about it after it was too late, could hurt me in my future relationships and life in general.
I need to find the new Haronny I was before I met him. The Haro I was when I first started the relationship. Because I stared being strong, independent, and he was just my boyfriend. He wasn’t a priority over other things. I ended up being weak, totally dependent, having my life revolve our relationship…and friendless.
After reading this post, I don’t even know how I am able to stand on my own two feet right now and feel so good about myself. Well, that’s what self-love does. He treated me badly for almost two weeks, and my dignity comes before any relationship.