Illusions. We all have them. Whether it’s about how life should turn out to be, how a certain job you have should go, or even how your boyfriend/spouse should act/behave/make you feel. We are all at some point of our lives sucked into the delusion of perfection. Or the illusion of it.
Yesterday something strange happened to me. I have always been the daydreamer type, the one to re-play scenes in her head over and over again, taking them closer to perfection every single time. I guess you could say I’m someone with a big imagination… or maybe just someone with unrealistic expectations. Yesterday I realized I had been hurting someone (unconsciously obviously) the whole day, and hurting myself as well, due to one of my moronic illusions. In this case, it was more of a comparison than an illusion, I’ll explain why later on.
I recently got back with my boyfriend, and we are now in a long distance relationship. A FIRST for me, and a second for him. Still, a long distance Relationship. We have been back for around a week now. He has been trying to make up for the reason why I broke up with him back in December, and I have been allowing him to ‘make up’ or ‘make me forget’ about the reason why… While we were not back together, I was approached by someone, a writer to be more specific. I became his muse and friend, and even though nothing ever happened, that someone never hid his adoration for me. It was also a long distance thing, and even had he lived in my country, It would have never more than platonic. I had just gotten out of a committed relationship.
This someone filled me with a sense of je ne sais quois. It helped me deal with the insecurity you feel once you leave a relationship. He helped quiet the Am I attractive? Will I (ever) find someone else that looks at me the way he did?, and all those stupid, insecure questions that run through our female heads. Well, he helped me shush that stupid voice in my head that constantly fed my insecurities. He made me feel completely adored, not only beauty wise, but persona wise as well. He wrote beautiful things about me, and I watched in awe as people went crazy commenting on his blog, which made me feel even more appreciated, because they were honestly “cute”, I wasn’t just being blinded by the “Muse” effect. But he was just that, someone.
On the other side, my boyfriend was talking to me. In the end I obviously chose my boyfriend, and put an end to the “Muse” thing, even before we got back together. Nevertheless, I made the mistake of comparing one of the poems my boyfriend wrote me to one of the writings made by Him. Suddenly, I did not see it as good as it was. I was fooled by an illusion. I was being betrayed by something unreal. That whole day I was unconsciously comparing the Illusion to Reality. Sadly, I did not realize it until it was too late.
I was comparing my boyfriend to the illusion I had created, or the illusion that actually WAS this someone. This someone who made me his muse, who adored me with no limitations, this someone that made me feel I would never find another man who would adore me and appreciate me as much as he did. Or someone who was as ‘perfect’ as he was. And of course I wouldn’t, because that man I thought he was did not exist. He does not exist. Even he was/is an illusion. Outside that “You are my muse” paradise, I’m pretty sure that someone is not even close to the man I thought he was. I’m pretty sure he is flawed in Oh, so many ways. Ways I’ll never know, Flaws I’ll never see. I’m pretty sure he has made mistakes I’ll never hear of, and hurt countless amount of people throughout his lifetime. Maybe he’s hurting someone else right now as I type. He was just that, an illusion of the perfect man for his muse. An ILLUSION I was foolish enough to compare to my boyfriend. My boyfriend. My boyfriend… who, with all his imperfections and past life, is striving every day to become a better man, and I don’t mean just in our relationship, but in life in general. My boyfriend, who is someone who has showed me his flaws, told me about his mistakes, and has both hurt me and made me heal from the shallow scars he might have created. My boyfriend, who loves me like there’s no tomorrow, and whom I love. My boyfriend, who will never be the perfect man, because no one is ever perfect.
But he does not need to perfect, because perfection is also an illusion.
And I want real.
.Photo taken from marie-amourfou