I’ve always been a loner.
Growing up, I never really had many friends in school. Yes, there was the usual everyone’s your friend crap that would happen in any small-sized school, but then again, not really. Knowing a lot of people and being friends with a lot of people are two different things. I’m not saying I did not have any friends, because I did. I had friend over friend and then group over group as my life progressed. And one by one I left them all behind. Now I notice I was never really interested.
I think it started in Middle-School/High School. I was skipped a grade (7th) and was thrown into a bunch of people I didn’t know. I was the youngest, and apparently the smartest. But I’ve never been one to let any of that “If You’re school smart, You’re DEFINITIVELY Life smart” crap go to my head. I barely ever studied, but I had good grades and the highest academic and psychologically-tested (they used to test us at my school) average. That’s the end of it, and not the point of this. Point is I started seeing different characters and personalities. I got my first taste at hypocrisy, among many other things. I got my first taste at many things… I guess back then I sort of noted I was different.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe about it, I don’t know why I can’t truly feel connected to anyone for so long. I guess I am weird. I guess I am broken like that. I guess I am meant to travel this world alone. Maybe I’m just meant to be an alien in my own land. I guess I’m fucked up. I honestly don’t know. It’s not that I am emo, because I obviously am not. It’s not that I feel superior to others and hence cannot befriend them, because that -obviously- is not the case. It’s not that I have trouble speaking, because I am good at it. I guess I have trouble relating. I have trouble relating to people. Maybe I just have a trouble with people who live around me. My country -or my town- is filled with such troubled people, and it’s hard to find an honest couple of friends. I guess getting betrayed again and again causes people to change. I guess I’m just trying to feel more normal by saying stuff like this. But then again not really. As of right now I feel more comfortable being friend-less than hanging out with a bunch of people who are full of sh.. Will that be my way of accepting that I am simply not made for that? Being no psychologist, I guess I’ll never know.
I partly enjoy being alone, it gives me inner peace, and THAT is something I do know 🙂