Here I am, once again. My mind a pandemonium; on the verge of tears. Here I am trying to think of every possibility, and trying to decide if I even want it to be real. What a foolish way to be. Tears will now start falling as I finally stop distracting my mind from it, and let myself feel. Let myself fall, let myself drown, die with every falling tear.
What the fuck is happening? Why did I allow myself to become this person in the first place? The past me would have never allowed this stuff to happen to her, to her core. She wouldn’t have allowed it to get infected, broken… taken away from her. Infected.
It’s getting so hard to write… or think straight.
My mind is going crazy dancing around assumptions, but it still hasn’t reached a conclusion. I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve cried, gotten angry, I’ve ignored it and tried to tell myself that this is what the lack of trust does to people, they make you paranoid. But when misused the idea of paranoia can be turned into just an excuse to make you doubt your intuition. I am tired of this. I am tired of being this person I am not meant to be. I am tired, Tired, tired.
…I should have known better.
But how can you stop your heart from feeling, how can you refrain yourself from living amidst the passion and the love? How can you be stone-cold? On the other hand… How can you trip, over and over again, with the same stone?