Thinking through my fingers

Here I am, once again. My mind a pandemonium; on the verge of tears. Here I am trying to think of every possibility, and trying to decide if I even want it to be real. What a foolish way to be. Tears will now start falling as I finally stop distracting my mind from it, and let myself feel. Let myself fall, let myself drown, die with every falling tear.

What the fuck is happening? Why did I allow myself to become this person in the first place? The past me would have never allowed this stuff to happen to her, to her core. She wouldn’t have allowed it to get infected, broken… taken away from her. Infected.

It’s getting so hard to write… or think straight.

My mind is going crazy dancing around assumptions, but it still hasn’t reached a conclusion. I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve cried, gotten angry, I’ve ignored it and tried to tell myself that this is what the lack of trust does to people, they make you paranoid. But when misused the idea of paranoia can be turned into just an excuse to make you doubt your intuition. I am tired of this. I am tired of being this person I am not meant to be.  I am tired, Tired, tired.

…I should have known better.

But how can you stop your heart from feeling, how can you refrain yourself from living amidst the passion and the love? How can you be stone-cold? On the other hand… How can you trip, over and over again, with the same stone?

Fuck.

5 thoughts on “Thinking through my fingers

  1. welcome to humanity and the blessing/curse of a deep thinking mind. I don’t say that in a cold way, but just saying I feel u and understand.

    I hope the anguish turns to peace for you.

  2. Enough to say there’s a certain beauty in reading ‘your own story’ being written by another’s pen. I felt your ink completely. I wish you ‘time and courage’.

    1. Thank you. There is a certain beauty, indeed. I am so glad you liked my blog. I visited yours today and I must say, you are a wonderful writer yourself. Other matters made it impossible for me to continue browsing through your art, but I will definitively go back. I also wish you courage, and happiness🙂

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