Every Now and Then

Every now and then,
whether here or there
Your voice is carried by the wind
and hums melodies in my ear.
It’s so sweet.
To hear you whisper my name
with such everlasting longing,
and to have you caress my neck
with the melody of your voice.

Every now and then…

Every now and then
I catch a glimpse of your smile
when you think no one’s watching.
And I rejoice with the curves of your lips
every now and then.

Every now and then I forget, and fall.
I fall into your arms
and the sweet promise of nothing..
I fall into the sweet abyss that is you.
Every now and then you kiss me.

Every now and then…

And every now and then your skin
feels like a velvet touch
against the roughness that is my heart.
I wish I could forget you were ever mine,
every now and then.

 

Beautiful Lies…

You told me once, you told me twice
that things would chance.
You painted diamonds in my sky,
yet it always looked the same.

Oh, those beautiful lies that your lips
whispered to me, carving scars in my skin.
Burning sorrows and crying golden parts of me.

A Little lie, every other day
to keep the thought of leaving you away.
What could I say?
I called it love.We called it love.

You traced lines along my curves
and kissed my hips, nude and soft.
Burning so softly, the candle lit.
Ending so smoothly, truth in between.

And I called it love.
We called it love.

Decided

Here I am, once again

The world tempts me with a smile.

Parted roads, blurred the lines,

Demanded that which was right.

So much sorrow I felt

as I let my world collide

into his arms.

Into his arms.

Lost myself

into his arms.

Learning to be me again

Won’t stop for a yesterday.

Into the shore I will part

with a smile burning my eyes

My heart is numb.

My mind may wonder what to do next, but my heart is numb. That same heart that followed you along the darkest paths and into the dying night full of wolves, that lied to sleep in a bed of thorns, just to be close to your soul. And my mind yells at me to stand for what is right, while my anger points out all the reasons why I feel so numb inside. So what is right? Every time I look into your eyes I forget how to smile. A truth may hurt for a while, but a lie? Well, lies are the sort of things that create serious types of scars.

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It’s really hard
Not finding the words you crave to find
Not having the air you die to breathe
Realizing nothing’s the color you thought
it would be.

You slowly die inside
In every silence, every piece of misery
Every piece of willingness to accept it all.
You die, and you don’t even notice it.

It happens ever so slightly, and before you know it
Everything that made you glorious is gone.

-Photo stolen from Kellymckernan

What Am I Supposed to Blog about Now?

What am I supposed to blog about now? What am i supposed to even write and compose poetry about?

I mean, I just got out of a relationship. The norm would be for me to write about heartache, about pain, about suffering and about how I cry myself to sleep at night every single night, and question my decision and my future without him. Well, I won’t, because I dont do any of those things. At all. Besides, I dont feel heartbroken anymore. I realized I felt more heartbroken before I left him, while I was going through everything he put me through for the last week, and my soul, heart, spirit, and mind where all shattered.

Nevertheless, for the time I was with him I completely lost myself. All my beliefs changed, all my friends were suddenly not even good enough to be kept around, and my life centered about our relationship. I had NO social life a t  a l l.  I stopped writing, I stopped reading, I stopped drawing, three of the things like I like to do the most. What I did do a lot, even though I drank less, was do drugs. I could “thank” (sarcastic) him for my first time poppin’ pills. This is something that maybe could be the topics for my next couple of posts. Finding myself all over again. Because I was a completely different person before I met him. Even though I changed some very good aspects about myself like respecting both relationships and myself more. I am also more aware of how i want people to perceive me. I stopped drinking as much, because I used to drink like, way more than I should with my friends. I dont feel like drinking anymore, or like doing drugs anymore. I used to smoke a lot of weed. Oh, and last but not least, I learned that I dont wanna have any friends just because, I want friends that are actually good quality friends and are worth it. If I cant find any, I prefer being alone.

Even though the list of things that changed about me is quite big and significant I feel the negative change could have a bigger impact on me. I lost myself, completely. I was all his, in every sense of the way. Yes, I had my own mind, my own opinion, my own feelings and thoughts. And no, I wasn’t always agreeing to what he said and it was not like we never fought. But he manipulated me into everything he wanted me to do and say. I would end up apologizing for something he had done in the first place. I would start arguing with him for my right to have friends, to have a social life, to live my life like a 19 year old and not like an old lady, and would end up apologizing for even thinking about it. This are only a few of the examples. It was messed up.

I feel this attitude I took with him, something that was so slow and gradual that I found out about it after it was too late, could hurt me in my future relationships and life in general.

I need to find the new Haronny I was before I met him. The Haro I was when I first started the relationship. Because I stared being strong, independent, and he was just my boyfriend. He wasn’t a priority over other things. I ended up being weak, totally dependent, having my life revolve our relationship…and friendless.

After reading this post, I don’t even know how I am able to stand on my own two feet right now and feel so good about myself. Well, that’s what self-love does. He treated me badly for almost two weeks, and my dignity comes before any relationship.

 

The morning after

IMG-20121217-07893I’ve always said God has an ironic sense of humor. This moment is just another example of how true this is.

Here I am, not even a day after having left my ex-boyfriend, sitted on this cold, gray metal chair in this pale-yellow colored office. Situated right in front of me is a LG television with the bold, white CISCO logo on it. Cisco… what he trained for. What he’ll work on. Something that was a big part of our relationship because not only was it the reason for him to come to my country in the first place, but he was training for it on a daily basis, most of the times next to me.

Anyways, I’m in a car shop. Not an IT office, a car shop…

So yeah God, well played…

I don’t know if this is some sort of bullshit test to see if I miss him.

Maybe life’s just trying to laugh at me straight in the face.

What I do know is that it’s hot outside. This is the only place in this shop a lady like me can sit down and wait. I also know it didn’t make me feel a thing.