Hello there, you wandering sheep. you lost soul who would entertain herself to avoid crying herself to sleep. Why are you worrying? Or not exactly worrying, but why are you nostalgic for something you know is better left behind. Not because someone else said so, or because each and every one of your confidents told you so, because to everyone else it was so obvious, but because deep down, deep inside yourself you knew it too. It was never real. She was always partly fake.

No matter how many years had passed since the day you girls decided to be best friends, or how many fights you had gone though and how many times you had made up, deep inside you knew that all those years did not really held as much importance as you wanted to give them. Perhaps you did so because you so badly craved for everyone to be wrong about her. Or maybe, just maybe, because you were too afraid to be alone… alone with yourself, alone with your broken mind, alone with your thoughts. In a point of your life in which you had no mental peace at all, and in which laughing seemed like the best and only escape, she was that, an escape that you foolishly confused with a friendship.

So, as hard as it is was to understand and accept this, some things are better left, simply left.

You’re happy.

You have peace now.

Real peace now.

Let go.  Enjoy.

Hoping peace continues to be with you,

You

Relationships and the past

I may be crazy for writing this, for thinking this, for feeling this. But this is a craziness I embrace. There’s no way I’ll ever be okay with it, no matter how many days, months, or even years have passed, those moments will always be stuck in my memory for ever.

Let’s first of all remember I am a teen, one that’s rambling right now. And as every sunrise brings with it a new illusion of hope, of new beginning, of new found happiness, every (normal) starting relationship offers some sort of “starter’s illusion”. Not mine. Mine was like a pile of glass shattering and being stuck deep into my skin, piece by piece, by some heavy hand that made me cry harder and louder every other time. That’s sort of what if felt (not). I was -for the first time- witness of how fond two people were of each other, of how lovely they each though the other were, of how much hey randomly told each other “I love you” (in their first month of knowing each other), while her boyfriend and I (the girlfriend) just awkwardly starred. How is that for the illusion of perfection?

Now, I know. What kind f bimbo stays with a guy like that? What kind of girl puts up with that? What value do I give myself? Well, we were not dating yet. We were getting to know each other, and it honestly mattered to me as much as the sole on my left shoe does (BACK THEN, WHEN I HAD NO FEELINGS AT ALL FOR HIM). And on the first day of our relationship I asked him to stop, or I’d leave him. To her surprise and new found anger for me, He did.

Nevertheless it’s like a spine has been placed inside me. A small spine that hurts momentarily, when the part of my brain that remembers that moves, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. Because they are past, yes, but like the disappointing words your father told you when you were thirteen, they still hurt. It also angers me to an extent that someone was actually capable of doing that, with a girl I pretty much did not like nor disliked until that happened. And I, for my own reasons “rolled with it”, lived with it, lived past it. Or so I like to think.

Even know I know I may be wrong, it still angers me that he used to talk to her in that manner (for the lack of use of the word “flirt”), take pictures, and make random videos of her. It makes me think the only reason they did not end up together was because her boyfriend was the only friend he had when he got to the country. But he liked her personality, he claimed. Well, good for you, I sarcastically said. Like I’m some fool who would just blindly believe anything a guy says.

It just bothers me, a lot, a lot, a lot. And I know that after over a year of relationship I shouldn’t be bothered by it, I shouldn’t be moved in any sort of way. But I am, and I admit it. I hate it, but it’s there. Every time I hear her name or see her face. And I can’t help it.

I would honestly be so much happier if I could just forgive and forget~

You~

You are you, you, and no one else but you.
It does not matter how other people live their life.
this life is yours, and you should live it based on your standards and not theirs.
It does not matter how many people have made different choices,
and are in different circumstances.
the only (circumstances) that matter are yours.
What you are going through, have gone through, and will go through
To become who you want to be and have who/what  you want to have.
Nothing else must matter. Your life is yours, not people’s.

-Oct. 8, 2012