I will take you to places you didn't know exist in your soul ~
Had seen it all, or so I thought. Then ran into your beautiful smile
Pearly white, radiant… Paired with a sad, thoughtful pair of eyes.
Lost and shallow, as if your soul were hollow
Seemed lost in despair.
Body present, but heart wasn’t there.
Compelled, couldn’t resist looking at you.
Embellished with sunshine, such an splendid view.
Slowly, but surely I found my way into your heart. Flowers blooming in concrete walls, merely the start.
Eyes now vivid and joyful, smile now filled with life.
Oh, how perfect timing would change the rest of our lives. ♥
My mind may wonder what to do next, but my heart is numb. That same heart that followed you along the darkest paths and into the dying night full of wolves, that lied to sleep in a bed of thorns, just to be close to your soul. And my mind yells at me to stand for what is right, while my anger points out all the reasons why I feel so numb inside. So what is right? Every time I look into your eyes I forget how to smile. A truth may hurt for a while, but a lie? Well, lies are the sort of things that create serious types of scars.
Here I am, once again. My mind a pandemonium; on the verge of tears. Here I am trying to think of every possibility, and trying to decide if I even want it to be real. What a foolish way to be. Tears will now start falling as I finally stop distracting my mind from it, and let myself feel. Let myself fall, let myself drown, die with every falling tear.
What the fuck is happening? Why did I allow myself to become this person in the first place? The past me would have never allowed this stuff to happen to her, to her core. She wouldn’t have allowed it to get infected, broken… taken away from her. Infected.
It’s getting so hard to write… or think straight.
My mind is going crazy dancing around assumptions, but it still hasn’t reached a conclusion. I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve cried, gotten angry, I’ve ignored it and tried to tell myself that this is what the lack of trust does to people, they make you paranoid. But when misused the idea of paranoia can be turned into just an excuse to make you doubt your intuition. I am tired of this. I am tired of being this person I am not meant to be. I am tired, Tired, tired.
…I should have known better.
But how can you stop your heart from feeling, how can you refrain yourself from living amidst the passion and the love? How can you be stone-cold? On the other hand… How can you trip, over and over again, with the same stone?
She has so many flaws you don’t know where to start.
Her hair doesn’t fall in the right way anymore,
and the sunlight does not make her eyes shine anymore.
Her smiles has stopped making your days brighter.
The cracks in her soul are visible now on her skin, and she always seems she’s about to cry, or maybe her eyes just tend to frown… Her and her hooded eyes.
And her voice, once so angelical, is now cracked and not-so-good, the curves her dress does not accentuate are always present, morning, night, and noon.
She does not make you smile anymore, but she does not make you cry. (Emotionally) She doesn’t make you… anything.
But somehow, still… you love her, because deep down in your soul, you believe your wife is someone you should love.
I gave him a second chance. (the fourth, actually -but none had been this ‘drastic’) After suffering for weeks, and expecting something that never came, I had given up on him, I had given up on me giving up on him. I had given up on us, or the illusion of us I used to had.
I was happy, with short moments of slight sadness/depression. I was content with life and everything it could offer me. I was proud of myself for having walked away.
“Time to Open up new paths” I’d say again, and again.
But sometimes what we say has little or no real meaning.
The day after breaking up with him I felt free. I felt the weight of having to worry about his “tight” way of thinking brush off my shoulders. I felt like dancing again, and drawing again… I felt like it was my time again, as it used to always be. I have to confess, regardless of those moments in which I missed what we were and got sad, Happy was my normal state of mind.
But the rabbit hole is never too far from Alice.
He came back, as was expected, and eventually I gave him a second chance.
That was almost two weeks ago. I’m still waiting to see what happens.
And you’ll wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And you’ll wish you could still give me a hard time
And you’ll wish you could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time
Even if I never cross your mind
Won’t leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
Won’t be a light in the hall or a key under the mat
If you ever come back
Won’t be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it won’t be just like you were never gone.
Won’t be a light in the hall or a key under the mat
If you ever come back if you ever come back now
Oh, if you ever come back; if you ever come back now
Besides, I left you, So nothing would have changed if you ever came back, if you ever came back
*My personal adaptation for “If you ever come back” lyrics by The Script*
I’ve always said God has an ironic sense of humor. This moment is just another example of how true this is.
Here I am, not even a day after having left my ex-boyfriend, sitted on this cold, gray metal chair in this pale-yellow colored office. Situated right in front of me is a LG television with the bold, white CISCO logo on it. Cisco… what he trained for. What he’ll work on. Something that was a big part of our relationship because not only was it the reason for him to come to my country in the first place, but he was training for it on a daily basis, most of the times next to me.
Anyways, I’m in a car shop. Not an IT office, a car shop…
So yeah God, well played…
I don’t know if this is some sort of bullshit test to see if I miss him.
Maybe life’s just trying to laugh at me straight in the face.
What I do know is that it’s hot outside. This is the only place in this shop a lady like me can sit down and wait. I also know it didn’t make me feel a thing.